Why it's so hard to leave

Desiree and Sam had a pretty complex relationship in The Vanishing Half. On one hand, he was this charismatic man who made her feel beautiful and was a great father to their daughter. On the other, he beat her until she had to cover up the bruises and even threatened her with a gun. Although she does eventually cut ties with her abusive husband, it takes her almost 14 years to finally leave him. She realizes that she cannot endure this any longer for the safety of her child and herself when he suggests having another child together. Now, there are many things that made Desiree stay. She wanted Jude to have a harmonious family with both parents, for one, but perhaps another reason could have been that the abuse she was experiencing was better than the shame of returning to Mallard empty handed. In other instances, many victims don’t have these kinds of ties to their abusers. So how do abusers manipulate their partners from leaving? What makes it so hard to leave? 

I think one of the biggest reasons for staying in the cycle of abuse is that leaving can be even more dangerous. In Desiree’s case, Sam actually went to the extent of hiring someone to essentially “hunt” her down. He claims that he is just a worried husband, but who knows what would have happened if he had actually caught her. In other cases, abusers can manipulate their partners to stay by making threats to harm their loved ones like family members. Sometimes, the act of escaping can even be dangerous, with the fear of one wrong move and the consequences of getting caught prohibiting victims from even trying to leave.

Another manipulation tactic abusers use is the “honeymoon phase”. I have seen an example of this in my independent reading book, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, where Don Alder, Evelyn’s second husband, rushes to apologize to her and promises to change after each instance of abuse. Of course, after many cycles of this phase, it is implied that no change is bound to happen, but victims are still gaslighted into thinking that their abusers aren’t all that bad if they know what they did is wrong. 

It is truly never the victim's fault in any circumstance of an abusive relationship, whether they choose to stay or leave. Abusers are the deceiving manipulators to blame who will twist their stories to try and shackle their victims down. Leaving is undoubtedly a process, that's why it's so hard.